
This is dedicated to myself. Not as a suicide note; no I won't give up on myself that easily. Not as last resort. Not as a way to reach out to those on the outside.
Why am I so hopeless? It seems books are my only source of comfort. Like glass, people reach to me, why can't I reach back. What the fuck is wrong with me? I know they see me as a little girl, shy, unwilling to speak up, and a possible vicitm. Fuck all of them...they don't know I try so hard to be the person I want to be. I try to play the 'role' of tomboy, they all look right through me, to the side that I can't control. I feel like I have split personalities. At home I am fun, loud, crude, silly, and can do whatever I feel like ...at school I'm a zombie, unable to speak, I AM NOT SHY!!!!! I am a person, not an object you fucking plastic spoons.
At the end of the week I am so emotionally drained. I cut just to stay in the moment *snort* My sister saw my arm, I can't allow the two sides of my life to merge, so I switched to my leg, the cuts are beautiful to me. I'm not depressed, I am perfectly content outside of school. Having no friends doesn't really bother me, what kills me is that I can't stand up for myself, I feel so vulnerable. I know what the real part of me is, the fact is everyone thinks I'm someone totally different. Most think I have a 4.0 GPA, HA! that's a laugh. Most probably wouldn't suspect that I listen to rock and heavy metal. Most don't know I love South Park, Family Guy, Futurama. J. didn't think I knew what the word "castration" means. It makes me giggle, does he know I maturbate every night? does he know I have fantasies of rape? does he know I love looking at porno of male-on-male action? does he know I watch erotica on tv? does he know I think he is a pussy? does the little bitch know the real me? J2 gives me more credit. Jokingly he said I would take down the school one day...I've thought about it, really, the brief moment is not worth taking lives. At school I become stone like, I don't feel, when I come home I become 'me' again. School-me laughs at the deaths of others. Home-me doesn't agree with violence.